The question for this episode is super useful in developing our wellbeing and exercising our growth mindset. By asking "What is the gift in this?" when we face an unexpected or undesired change, we open a space for possibilities that we're very unlikely to see otherwise. I hope this question and its multiple versions can help you see these often-hidden gifts around you.
The question for this episode is super useful in developing our wellbeing and exercising our growth mindset. By asking "What is the gift in this?" when we face an unexpected or undesired change, we open a space for possibilities that we're very unlikely to see otherwise. I hope this question and its multiple versions can help you see these often-hidden gifts around you.
Hello and welcome to the eighteenth episode of the powerful questions podcast. My name is David Shaked. In this episode, I'd like to introduce you to a powerful question I find very helpful – especially when I face a sudden and unexpected disruption to my plans, or experience something I do not like.
The question for this episode is "What is the gift in this?" It is a question that could give you a nice way to reframe how you look at certain experiences, people, or conversations you encounter or get involved with where you may not see, at least not initially, the gift at all.
Like all my powerful questions, it can be used for self-reflection, to support others or even in groups.
Do you have a cat?
Or perhaps have cat-loving friends?
I like cats, though I don’t have one of my own. Some of my friends who have cats tell me how, from time to time, their cats like to catch a mouse or a bird and bring them back home to their owner –-dead or still somewhat alive. While the cat might feel delighted and proud of their achievement, most cat owners are less excited about this gesture. It is very much an unexpected and unwanted gift! Just the look of horror and disgust on their face when they tell the story is enough proof!
In our lives, we often face unexpected events, disruptions, or other undesirable news. It might be that we become aware of something happening that we did not expect, a disruption to a plan we had in mind, or an opportunity we were looking forward to being pulled out from under our feet. So many things can happen suddenly without warning, and can seem disappointing, stressful or frustrating. If we could avoid them, we’re sure we would be so much happier!
Some of these experiences are truly undesirable. No one hopes to fall ill, to lose someone dear or to face financial uncertainty and the stress it brings. These experiences are truly unwanted, and they do happen. Other experiences, while less intense, can also come our way and feel unwelcome.
Once we have had a chance to recover a little from learning about the new development, the question “What is the gift in this?” could be very helpful in reframing our thinking around some of those unexpected and unwanted situations. While it may not be helpful when the cat brings in a dead mouse, it could help you see many other situations in a different light – perhaps even as a gift!
When something unexpected and undesirable happens, our brain, especially a part of it called the amygdala, perceives the situation as a threat, so it sends out stress signals. While this might be useful to help us survive an immediate threat, in most other cases, it limits our ability to think clearly in the situation -- to respond more creatively or change our course of action to something more helpful. In addition, our brains have a negativity bias which means most of us tend to see the negative consequences of each new situation first.
The question “what is the gift in this?” can slow down our automatic reaction and help us see new possibilities – or at the very least, a more complete view of our new reality. Completing the picture by not seeing something as totally dark, or for that matter as totally bright, but as BOTH can be very helpful.
This question works best with a certain mindset or belief. A belief that in everything we face or experience, there is a gift to be found. You might not hold this belief initially, but the more often you use this question the more you will see potential gifts in everything.
Let’s try this question out together. First, think of a recent development that took you by surprise and that you perceived as an unwanted change, disruption, or a disappointing development.
It might be some news you received that you did not appreciate, an annoying email or someone or something causing a change to a project or a plan you have been working towards. We all experience these situations from time to time so I am sure you can think of a recent example!
It does not need to be anything major to qualify for this experiment.
Got something in mind? If not, feel free to pause for a little while and recall a moment that you found inconvenient, disappointing, or disruptive.
Now that you have a specific experience in mind, can you reconnect with how you feel now or felt then about that situation? I trust your view of that situation. It may indeed feel or have felt annoying or disappointing. I would never ask you to ignore or supress these feelings or views about the situation.
But with that event and the feelings associated with it in mind, let me ask you this question:
What is a gift this experience offers now (or perhaps offered back then) to you?
What other gifts does this experience offer?
And let me ask one last time, what is the gift in this experience that you haven’t yet seen?
How was this brief experience?
What did you notice?
Did new ideas come to mind?
Sometimes, this question creates some subtle changes. For example, a deep sigh for relief, a sudden smile, the bubbling of renewed energy or other bodily sensations. These are all little signs that you are starting to think about or see the new situation differently.
The question “What is the gift in this?” can be asked in multiple different ways. Feel free to adjust it to your needs or the needs of the people you are posing this question to. Here are some examples:
What’s good about this?
What’s useful about it?
What’s valuable about it?
What is beautiful about this?
Or
What new or previously unseen opportunities does this offer me?
Another aspect worth noting in this case is that EVERYTHING we encounter might be of service to us. Sometimes it is not easy to hold on to this belief or mindset, but if you can hold it for a short while, you can also ask:
How is this serving me?
Or more specifically,
How is this serving my project, my plans, my vision for myself or my deepest hopes….
These were just some examples but there are many alternatives to the question “what is the gift in this?”.
The examples I gave here so far were perhaps more suitable for self-reflection. But, like most of my powerful questions, you can use this one to support other people or even as a team exercise. For example:
How is this serving you? Or us?
How is this helping your (or our) goals?
How is this the situation or this moment serving this project, and what we are aiming to achieve?
How is this development helping us achieve something different or even better?
What new doors are opening as a result of this unexpected development?
When using this question, consider the timing. Most of us would struggle to answer this question straight away after finding out about something we did not expect and do not appreciate. We need time to make sense of the news, process the impact and come to some acceptance. Another aspect of timing lies in considering short versus long term impact. An unwanted development might have undesirable consequences in the short term but might still offer gifts in the medium to long term. You can try integrating the aspect of time when posing this question to help yourself or others consider it more generatively. For example:
How can this development be a gift in the longer term?
What new possibilities could come out of this by next year?
Et cetera.
I hope you can now see how this question can help flex our thinking about many experiences. While they might still challenge us, we can shift from viewing them solely as troubling to a different, more complete view. It opens a new space or state of thinking – a space of possibility which can lead to adopting a growth mindset.
I wonder which challenge you are currently facing is hiding within it an unexpected gift? – a gift worth looking for by asking this question.