What do you want?

"What do you want?" Is a powerful and useful question. It can add clarity where there is confusion (for yourself and with others).  It can also help members in a team, understand each other better and create alignment. 
 
 For most of us, "What do you want?" is not an easy question to answer... we typically respond to it with "I don't want..." which is one of the reasons for the confusion we hold about different topics we care about or projects we are involved with. However, it's worth spending time with this question with yourself or to pose it to other people you want to connect better with. 

I hope it helps you create more clarity for yourself and for the people around you. 

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the ninth episode of the powerful questions podcast. My name is David Shaked. In this episode we’re going to look at another powerful question. This question has the power to bring greater clarity. If you use it with others you work or collaborate with, it can also create a deeper level of understanding and a shared sense of direction. This time, the question we’ll focus on is “What-do-you-want?”

Before we take it any further, I’d like to clarify that in order to make this question as powerful and as generative as it can be, we are going to exclude the irritated, angry, or condescending version of this question. That means we’re not going to pose this question in that kind of a tone “What do you want?”. 
In order to get the most out of it, we need pay attention to our tone of voice and our own mood or state of mind so we can express it in a kinder and genuinely curious tone – something like “What do you want?”

When I ask people “what do you want?”, I often get an answer that focuses, or at best includes, things they actually DO NOT want, rather than what they actually DO want.  

It seems everyone is so adept at describing IN DETAIL what they do not want. Stating what we want may not be habitual – not to mention that often we don’t actually have a clear idea or mental image of what we actually do want.  

One of the reasons why we are so clear about what we don’t want and able to describe it more easily is because it is very likely that our starting point in answering the question is something we are currently experiencing or have experienced in the past, an experience that we do NOT like or want to repeat, whereas what we do want is often less clear. That’s because it isn’t something we are experiencing right now and often isn’t the exact opposite of those past undesirable experiences. 

The thing is, the more we are able to state, clearly, what we genuinely DO want, the more we are likely to find creative ways to arrange or create that. When we are clear about the things we want to have or to experience, we orientate our awareness, our conversations and our actions in that direction, and that raises the likelihood that we will actually achieve what we want. There is no guarantee we will, but we are definitely raising the chances for that to occur. 

To start, let’s focus on one area or part of your life – personal, professional or social. In fact, let’s zoom in on that area even further. 

Is it your job? 

Your career path? 

A project you are leading, or are involved with? 

Your relationship with your significant other, or someone else you are close to? 

A group you are associated with outside of work? 

Choose one area to focus on for now and let’s explore it further…

What do you want to have in that area? What do you crave for?  

We can take it further by exploring what do you want in slightly different ways or by elaborating a little. 

For example, what do you want to CREATE? To EXPERIENCE?  To FEEL?  How would you LIKE IT TO BE?  What experiences would you like to bring to life? What would you like to have in that area? What do you want more of?

I am deliberately asking you all these different versions of the question! 

They all revolve around the main question of “what do you want?”, but from experience, different people and different topics align better with one version of the question or another. 

For example, you might find it is easier to express what you want to create in your job than what you want to experience. 

If you’re focusing on a personal relationship, you might find it easier to talk about how you want to feel more often, rather than what experiences you would like to bring to life. 

It doesn’t matter which question you are drawn to and feel more able to respond to. They all fall under the wide umbrella of “What do you want?”

But, as I mentioned already, even when we ask others what they want, so many of us have a clearer idea about what we DO NOT want… Rather than stopping people from fully expressing everything they do not want or supressing the conversation, I prefer to let them express it for as long as they need or wish to. I don’t intervene in that flow BUT I certainly do not ask for more details like “tell me more… why do you not want that?” or try to change their minds about it.  

When I sense that they have shared enough, I help them re-orientate towards the things they want by gently asking “So… you want….” – I leave that question ‘hanging’ between us and wait to hear what comes. Often, this little intervention is enough to shift the thinking and conversation to more desired things. 

If it isn’t enough and the person I am talking to is still telling me what they do not want, I acknowledge that I have heard them by saying something like “I understand that you do not want to have more X and you certainly do not want to create Y. What do you want to have or how would you like it to be instead?” In this case, X and Y are things they actually mentioned. The fact I refer to and acknowledge what they have said demonstrates that I am listening and THAT gives the person I am speaking to the safety to express something else.   

These types of questions can be very helpful for self-reflection. That means you pose it in the first person, as in “What do I want?”. 

They are also very useful when speaking to those you work, live or play with. And it is also super useful to pose these kinds of questions to groups you are leading or are a part of. Asking this question in group situations might need to be planned more carefully rather than asked casually, and you would probably need to allow enough time for the conversation. But if you posed a question like “What do WE want?” to a group you are a part of, and give time for everyone to respond, you will help create clarity, alignment, trust and greater focus. 

And of course, you can tailor your actual question to the group’s context and mission. For example, “What do we want to create or experience together?”, “What or how do we want to feel like when we are together?” or “What do we crave for in this group?”  

How many of the groups you are involved in have held this kind of conversation or are clear about what they want as a group? Would it help your groups to engage with these questions and share openly?  

As I said, there is no guarantee that the group will actually create or experience the things they want to, but it will certainly help the relationships in the group and create a shared wish or sense of direction. That in itself is a good step forward!

There is another, perhaps easier and more basic version of the question “What do you want?” It is “What do you need?” In my experience, some people find it easier to respond to that question.  What we need is essentially the starting point to what we want. 

Again, this version of the question can be used for your own self reflection (as in “What do I need?”) and it can be used with others or with groups (“What do you, or we, need?”).  This question can also be applied to different areas of our lives or our work. For example: “What do I need in my relationship with X?”, “What do you need to feel like in your job?”, “What do we need to be at our best as a team?”)

Can you see why I like this powerful question so much? It has so many variations, can be used flexibly, and packs in so many possibilities for creating clarity and deeper connection. 

As I bring this episode to a close, allow me to share a little of what I WANT to create through this podcast. I see myself as a positive change leader for individuals, teams, organisations and communities. By that I mean that my intention is to create more spaces for fresh thinking, to elevate individuals, teams and organisations, to set people free, raise confidence when navigating through strong winds and to generate new, inspiring ways to see, feel and act.  

While I regularly get to work with many people and ask them powerful questions that help generate the positive change we want to create, I also wanted to share and spread even further afield everything I have been fortunate enough to learn. I wanted to enable many more to have access to these powerful questions so that they could use them with the people around them to create even more positive change. I hope that what I wanted to create through this podcast and the different episodes it includes chimes with you and inspires you to try these questions out.  

So that was what I wanted to create with this podcast. Let me finish by asking you:  “what do you want?”