Who am I?

This episode dives into perhaps the most fundamental question of human existence: "Who am I?" 

Though deceptively simple on the surface, this question opens doorways to profound self-exploration that transcends our usual definitions of identity. Are you ready for the adventure?

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the second episode in the second season of the powerful questions podcast. My name is David Shaked. In this episode, I'd like to introduce you to an incredibly powerful, perhaps even life-changing, question – "Who am I?".  

It is a question that can truly start a very deep exploration of the self – that is – YOURSELF, and it predominantly intended for self-reflection, although you can of course adjust it to “who are you?” and work with another person to enable them to explore their identity more fully.  

The question "Who am I?" is one of the most profound questions anyone can ask themselves. It is very likely that most of you have at some point in your lives asked yourself this exact question.  We humans are curious about ourselves.  At a higher level, many thought leaders throughout history, amongst them philosophers, writers and social scientists, have grappled with this question. In fact, this question might be so powerful that I need several episodes to explore it fully… but let’s get started. 

Why is it such a powerful and interesting question to look at and use?  

Because it touches something fundamental in each and every one of us, our self-concept. In other words, the story we tell ourselves and others about who we are.  There are many layers to our self-concept. Some will be covered in this episode, but for now I just want to say that the idea of self-concept has been explored by many leading psychologists. Carl Rogers, the father of the person-centred approach to therapy, was perhaps the most fundamental contributor to the exploration of this concept. 

It is also an incredibly powerful question because, on the surface, it seems to be deceptively simple to answer. Most of us have ready-made, fairly superficial, brief answers we can pull out very easily when others ask us “who are you”.  

For example, I might answer with any one of the following: 

“I am David, 

I am an organisational development practitioner and a leadership coach, 

I am a freelancer, 

I am an author, 

I am a man, 

I am a husband, 

I am a proud uncle, 

I am a Londoner, 

etc. etc.”  

Most people tend to default into such simple answers in describing themselves, through their occupations, their family and relationship status, or where they are from. Many would do so even when they answer the question for themselves, in private.  And their answer might be very meaningful to them. 

We don’t tend to linger with this question and explore deeper, even more meaningful aspects of it – certainly not when others ask us who we are.   However, if we dare to spend some time reflecting on this question, many more aspects can emerge and help us get a stronger grasp of our self-concept. Given space, most people realise their default answers feel inadequate. This realisation in itself is valuable. It can push us to explore the gap between our social or professional labels and our deeper sense of self. For instance, someone might say "I'm a doctor", but then realize that while treating patients is what they do, it doesn't fully capture who they are. Who we are includes our personality traits, our values, beliefs, the ways in which we behave and our habits.  Our fears, desires and dreams also shape our identity.

In addition, some of our answers to the question may change over time or may depend on the context we are in, while other answers remain fairly unchanged. For example, who I was when I was 25 years old has some similarities with who I am today many years later, as well as some significant differences.  Our answers also change throughout the day or the week depending on who we are with, what we might be doing at that moment in time, or the context we’re in. I might be a coach during the day, a cook in the evening or a keen reader at night. Most of the time, I consider myself to be kind, caring, calm and patient human being, yet I know there are situations where I struggle to be that person.  Someone might experience themselves very differently when playing with their children or socialising with friends compared to when leading a board meeting or in a formal setting. Our memories and future aspirations play a role – we're partly who we've been already, partly who we hope to become. 

Our answers to “Who am I?” are also influenced by our social context – our relationships, the culture we belong to, the communities we’re a part of and their histories.  Cultural values, language, other people’s expectations all influence how we understand ourselves. Some of our answers to the question will be truly authentic to us, while other answers come from other people’s expectations or social norms.  We absorb these messages as we grow up and, even as adults, and they are central to our understanding of ourselves, whether we are conscious of them or not

There are also philosophical, psychological and spiritual drivers to how we might answer the question. Some of the answers can be found in our consciousness while other answers are buried deep in our subconscious. Nature and nurture play a role in shaping our identity.  Our emotional state and moods influence our answers. I won’t go into deeper philosophical or spiritual discussion here but, just as one example, philosophers have grappled with the question of whether or not our sense of self is fixed or ever-changing, while Buddhists believe in striving towards a state of “no-self”. 

From a strengths-based coaching point of view I can see how the stories we tell ourselves, as well as what we hear about ourselves from others, play a role in shaping how we might answer the question at any given point in time. This is important to remember because the stories we tell ourselves can be very influential. These narratives can be empowering, or they can be limiting. Some stories might stick with us for a very long time, while others change, are replaced, or reshaped.  For example, growing up I believed I was not creative because I always struggled expressing myself creatively. My teachers also seemed to agree that I was not going to become the next Picasso. These days I have a much wider definition in my mind of what it means to be creative, and a lot more experience in creative ways of expressing myself – one of them is this podcast.  These days, I would definitely describe myself as a creative person. 

The question “who am I?” becomes particularly urgent during major life transitions – when we graduate, change careers, form or break significant relationships, become parents or retire. In such transitions, our established sense of self is stretched or challenged. However, as you will see later, if you are engaging with this question during such periods, you need to make sure you are approaching it with a positive, or at least curious, mindset and lots of self-compassion. 

So now that I have introduced the many facets of this powerful question let’s move on to some ideas of how it can be used.

A powerful way to use this question is to ask it repeatedly, taking note of all the answers that come to mind each time. Repeating the question many times helps your awareness reach deeper and come up with richer answers each time. Your answers might start with your default ways of responding to the question, but the more you repeat it, the more will be revealed.  Allow enough time for repetitions, as well as pauses between repetition. When you feel you are done, take a look at what you have noted. Would you have provided all of these answers to someone else straight away?   

There are many variations you could use while still sticking with the repetition approach. As I read the following examples out, pay attention to which of them draws your curiosity:  

Who am I…

Who am I when I am at my best?

Who am I when I do something I enjoy?

Who am I when I am with loved ones?

Who am I when no one is watching?

Who am I beyond my roles and responsibilities?

Who am I as … a leader/parent/friend?

What is my story about who I am?

What parts of myself do I show to different people?

How would others describe who I am?

Some people might find it easier to respond to:

Who am I not?

What parts of myself have I forgotten or neglected?

Follow your gut feel or curiosity in choosing the version of this question that feels right for you or that you are drawn to explore.  You can even mix a couple of them.  Whatever the exact question you choose to focus on, take a look at all your answers to it once you are done. What has become clearer to you?  What is the story you are telling yourself about yourself? Does this story “give you wings” (like the classic British adverts for the Red Bull energy drink) or does it hold you back? How can you keep this story alive and developing further?

Another powerful approach to the question is to change it so that it is more future-orientated. For example:

Who do I want to be?

Who am I becoming?

Again, I recommend repeating the same question over and over, capturing all the responses that spring to mind.  Sometimes you might need to pause for a few seconds or even a bit longer before a new and different answer arrives because often, we default to the last answer or a variation of it. 

What about using this question with others?  

A lot depends on your relationship with that person.  If they are just a casual acquaintance, you are less likely to help them reach deeper awareness. If you have already established a relationship of trust and safety, depth is more likely.  You might also need to vary the question each time you ask it.  For example, if the other person says "I'm a teacher," you can ask "Who is the person who teaches?" If they say "I'm someone who helps others learn," you can ask "Who is the person who helps?". Each time you build on the answers you have received, and that helps peel back the layers, often leading to profound insights.

Now I hope you are getting excited about this question and feeling motivated to try it out on yourself or with others.  However, I do want to mention some situations in which I would not rush into it, and instead take a more cautious approach.  For example, if you or the other person are going through:

A mental health crisis – the question might be overwhelming for someone who is experiencing severe depression or an identity crisis. It could exacerbate feelings of disconnection or confusion. The same goes for people who have experienced trauma – questions about identity might trigger painful memories or feelings of loss.

The next situation is one I touched upon earlier – if you or the other person are going through a major life-transition be careful in using the question! Such periods can be very powerful times for self-reflection and insights, but some people might need more structured support when their identity is already in a flux (for example, during divorce, job loss, or a serious illness). This may include therapy or counselling. 

Finally, the setting. Either you or the other person might be in an inappropriate setting: a noisy bar, another public space, or one of you might be in a hurry. Such deep questions require psychological safety and time for reflection. It's not suitable for casual settings or when people need to focus on more immediate priorities.

Another situation to be aware of is when potentially negative answers come to mind in response to the question.  Such answers are more likely to arrive when our mood is low or we feel shaken by something or someone.  It is possible that those answers originally came from someone else who was critical towards us, yet we have adopted them as our own truth. Always give yourself empathy and self-compassion if a negative response comes to mind. Take it with a pinch of salt because chances are it is not an authentic response from deep inside you. You might want to follow it with “Who am I REALLY?”   

It was important for me to share some of these caveats so that you can go ahead and use the question safely and benefit from it.  If, after all of that, you are still feeling as excited as I am about the potential of this question, here are some good practices for you to consider when using it, especially with other people:

Firstly, ensure there's adequate time and space for reflection.  Create a supportive, non-judgmental environment for yourself and for the other person. Allow time after each repetition, and also allow for uncertainty and incomplete answers. Sometimes answers take time to emerge. Also remember that answers may change over time. 

If you are trying to help someone who is in a vulnerable place emotionally or mentally, recognise your positive intention in wanting to help them, yet please also consider whether it would be a good idea to prepare some resources, support or a therapist to refer to, if needed. Also, in such a case start with gentler variations of the questions and consider whether a limited number of repetitions might be enough for the first time with that person.

Thank you for listening to this episode.  I hope that by asking “who am I?” or any one of the variations I proposed, you will gain some interesting insights about yourselves and others around you.